Hypocrisy is a common occurrence in my life. In everyone’s I suppose.  Last night I was not a victim of hypocrisy, I was the perpetrator.  Granted, I am the only one that is aware of my transgression. Still, I’m rather outraged at myself. I make a constant effort to avoid such acts, but everyone slips.

My efforts to keep my emotions in check have been succeeding thus far. Until last night, that is. Despite the medication used to keep my anxiety under control, it was building in my chest. The stress of a difficult conversation about my life, with a very good friend over the internet, was making things difficult.  Towards the end of the conversation, my breaking point had almost been reached. There’s always a trigger, and it happened. I heard something I really did not want to hear, and the dam burst. I was able to make it to privacy before the panic attack hit. The long and short of this is, I had previously claimed that I could handle the situations at hand. Clearly not.

I can’t handle confrontation, yelling causes me to run and hide. It solves nothing, and it’s a stress builder that is ultimately not necessary. For a loud and boisterous person, my recent reactions to loud noises is surprising.

This has been a struggle for me, more so than any I’ve faced previously. I, once upon a time, had been the go-to girl. When an issue arose, emotional or otherwise, I was always able to take control of the situation. I’ve fallen a long way from that point, and climbing back has become more of a challenge than I would ever have believed.  But all struggles lead to growth.

“You can never solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created the problem in the first place.”

I need to find a new direction to come from. The road that has appeared before me is foreign. Even looking behind me, I have no idea how I got here.

My issue, at the moment, is moving beyond the feelings that seem to control my every thought. It rotates between despair, disappointment, and happiness (which is becoming more common lately). But there is one thing that I’m truly missing: Joy. Pure, actual joy. I do feel like the wind is changing, that good things will be coming. It’s just my impatience and stubbornness. I need to concentrate on helping myself, rather than the people around me. I have been using my powers for good, is how I put it in my head. I’ve given advice, and made verbal decisions, based on what’s best for anybody but me. The advice that I give, is purely unbiased. There are quite a few occasions where  my advice could have still been true and in my own favor, yet it was not.

The thing that blows my mind, is things could be going extraordinarily well. If I used my powers for evil, to self-serve, I could have most of what I want.  Instead, I have to take the high road. Damn morals. Damn dignity. Damn honor.

I don’t know where I was going with this, maybe just vomiting my thoughts all over the place. Granted, there’s much distraction around me. If I figure it out, I’ll return.


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