Hypocrisy is a common occurrence in my life. In everyone’s I suppose.  Last night I was not a victim of hypocrisy, I was the perpetrator.  Granted, I am the only one that is aware of my transgression. Still, I’m rather outraged at myself. I make a constant effort to avoid such acts, but everyone slips.

My efforts to keep my emotions in check have been succeeding thus far. Until last night, that is. Despite the medication used to keep my anxiety under control, it was building in my chest. The stress of a difficult conversation about my life, with a very good friend over the internet, was making things difficult.  Towards the end of the conversation, my breaking point had almost been reached. There’s always a trigger, and it happened. I heard something I really did not want to hear, and the dam burst. I was able to make it to privacy before the panic attack hit. The long and short of this is, I had previously claimed that I could handle the situations at hand. Clearly not.

I can’t handle confrontation, yelling causes me to run and hide. It solves nothing, and it’s a stress builder that is ultimately not necessary. For a loud and boisterous person, my recent reactions to loud noises is surprising.

This has been a struggle for me, more so than any I’ve faced previously. I, once upon a time, had been the go-to girl. When an issue arose, emotional or otherwise, I was always able to take control of the situation. I’ve fallen a long way from that point, and climbing back has become more of a challenge than I would ever have believed.  But all struggles lead to growth.

“You can never solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created the problem in the first place.”

I need to find a new direction to come from. The road that has appeared before me is foreign. Even looking behind me, I have no idea how I got here.

My issue, at the moment, is moving beyond the feelings that seem to control my every thought. It rotates between despair, disappointment, and happiness (which is becoming more common lately). But there is one thing that I’m truly missing: Joy. Pure, actual joy. I do feel like the wind is changing, that good things will be coming. It’s just my impatience and stubbornness. I need to concentrate on helping myself, rather than the people around me. I have been using my powers for good, is how I put it in my head. I’ve given advice, and made verbal decisions, based on what’s best for anybody but me. The advice that I give, is purely unbiased. There are quite a few occasions where  my advice could have still been true and in my own favor, yet it was not.

The thing that blows my mind, is things could be going extraordinarily well. If I used my powers for evil, to self-serve, I could have most of what I want.  Instead, I have to take the high road. Damn morals. Damn dignity. Damn honor.

I don’t know where I was going with this, maybe just vomiting my thoughts all over the place. Granted, there’s much distraction around me. If I figure it out, I’ll return.

Back to the Basics

It has been a long time since I sat down and put a pen to paper (virtually speaking). It has been suggested to me that writing out my thoughts will help me sort through them. Who knows?

Five years ago, in a job interview, I was asked the question: Where do you see yourself in five years? My answer, while not verbatim, was along the lines of: “Working towards a career with my new degrees under my belt. Moved into a place of my own, and making my own life.”

How far I’ve come. My dead-end job is ending. I’m searching for yet another place to live. And school? I never finished that. Sure, I have my GED, took a handful of courses, but ultimately I didn’t finish.

Now, again, the question has come to me. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”  This time I closed my eyes. I really thought about it. With the world as I know it, seeming to crash down around me, where DO I see myself? As my eyes fell shut, I worked to clear my mind of all past conceptions. When the slideshow of possibilities slowed, I saw a future that was not fully allowed to me. Part of it may be achievable, but it will never be the perfection I saw behind my eyelids. I’m starting to believe that is okay.

My goals, my dreams, were much less than I would have thought back then, but so much more than I can hope for now. I saw a home. A family. This brought upon me an entire host of new fears.

I have let fear dictate my life thus far. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of heartbreak, and… fear of spiders. (Believe me, I know how incredibly commonplace that is.) Recently, I have learned a couple things about those fears.

  • Failure is inevitable. I can not succeed at everything I attempt. It will appear when it is most unexpected.

In response to that I have Cliche Statement # 1:  Get back on the horse.

  • Disappointment is also inevitable. It goes hand-in-hand with failure. I can not please everybody, and sometimes I can not please anybody.

Cliche Statement # 2: You cannot help others, until you help yourself.

  • Heartbreak, however, is not inevitable. I have come to believe, that if my heart is open all it can do is fill with love.

Cliche Statement # 3:  If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

  • Spiders are creepy and evil and should be destroyed immediately.

Non-cliche Tolken reference #1: Somehow the killing of a giant spider, all alone by himself in the dark without the help of a wizard or the dwarves or anyone else, made a great difference to Mr. Baggins. He felt a different person, and much fiercer and bolder in spite of an empty stomach as he wiped his sword on the grass and put it back into its sheath.

For a long time my heart was closed off, a wall was built around it. I allowed very few people near it, and no one into it. The pains that I had felt in the past were too much to bare, so I refused to allow it back. Then, all of a sudden, my walls dropped. I don’t know exactly when it happened, by the time I noticed… it was too late. The people around me started to crawl into my heart. One in particular made it extraordinarily far.

Now, this has brought on an entire host of new problems. My emotions have been out of whack, my feelings are more complicated than normal. I’ve had breakdowns, and because of my past unwillingness to allow my heart to function as a ‘normal’ person would, I haven’t known how to deal with them. A very good friend of mine suggested that this all felt so drastic because I was not in a place to express those feelings in the past. I think he’s right, and I’m learning.

One thing that I have learned: If you love someone (a friend, a lover, a family member) and their feelings are different from yours, it doesn’t have to be painful. You love someone for a  reason, or for no reason at all. It is a wonderful emotion,  and this comes from someone who previously did not believe in the feeling, beyond it being chemical and instinctual.

The phrase, “You don’t have to like the people you love,” just flickered through my mind. I don’t think that one is worth the virtual paper it’s written on, and seeing as how this is a free blog… well…  If the company of the person, or people, that you love is not enjoyable to you, I feel it may be more of an obsession. If not an obsession, than maybe an obligation or responsibility.

My fears have held me back, caused me to be more closed off than most women. It has taken a long time for me to recognize that, and admitting it out loud is even more difficult. To see what a drastic change my life has made, and how different my dreams are, in only five years, has blown my mind. It proves that: At least I am still growing.