Back to the Basics

It has been a long time since I sat down and put a pen to paper (virtually speaking). It has been suggested to me that writing out my thoughts will help me sort through them. Who knows?

Five years ago, in a job interview, I was asked the question: Where do you see yourself in five years? My answer, while not verbatim, was along the lines of: “Working towards a career with my new degrees under my belt. Moved into a place of my own, and making my own life.”

How far I’ve come. My dead-end job is ending. I’m searching for yet another place to live. And school? I never finished that. Sure, I have my GED, took a handful of courses, but ultimately I didn’t finish.

Now, again, the question has come to me. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”  This time I closed my eyes. I really thought about it. With the world as I know it, seeming to crash down around me, where DO I see myself? As my eyes fell shut, I worked to clear my mind of all past conceptions. When the slideshow of possibilities slowed, I saw a future that was not fully allowed to me. Part of it may be achievable, but it will never be the perfection I saw behind my eyelids. I’m starting to believe that is okay.

My goals, my dreams, were much less than I would have thought back then, but so much more than I can hope for now. I saw a home. A family. This brought upon me an entire host of new fears.

I have let fear dictate my life thus far. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of heartbreak, and… fear of spiders. (Believe me, I know how incredibly commonplace that is.) Recently, I have learned a couple things about those fears.

  • Failure is inevitable. I can not succeed at everything I attempt. It will appear when it is most unexpected.

In response to that I have Cliche Statement # 1:  Get back on the horse.

  • Disappointment is also inevitable. It goes hand-in-hand with failure. I can not please everybody, and sometimes I can not please anybody.

Cliche Statement # 2: You cannot help others, until you help yourself.

  • Heartbreak, however, is not inevitable. I have come to believe, that if my heart is open all it can do is fill with love.

Cliche Statement # 3:  If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

  • Spiders are creepy and evil and should be destroyed immediately.

Non-cliche Tolken reference #1: Somehow the killing of a giant spider, all alone by himself in the dark without the help of a wizard or the dwarves or anyone else, made a great difference to Mr. Baggins. He felt a different person, and much fiercer and bolder in spite of an empty stomach as he wiped his sword on the grass and put it back into its sheath.

For a long time my heart was closed off, a wall was built around it. I allowed very few people near it, and no one into it. The pains that I had felt in the past were too much to bare, so I refused to allow it back. Then, all of a sudden, my walls dropped. I don’t know exactly when it happened, by the time I noticed… it was too late. The people around me started to crawl into my heart. One in particular made it extraordinarily far.

Now, this has brought on an entire host of new problems. My emotions have been out of whack, my feelings are more complicated than normal. I’ve had breakdowns, and because of my past unwillingness to allow my heart to function as a ‘normal’ person would, I haven’t known how to deal with them. A very good friend of mine suggested that this all felt so drastic because I was not in a place to express those feelings in the past. I think he’s right, and I’m learning.

One thing that I have learned: If you love someone (a friend, a lover, a family member) and their feelings are different from yours, it doesn’t have to be painful. You love someone for a  reason, or for no reason at all. It is a wonderful emotion,  and this comes from someone who previously did not believe in the feeling, beyond it being chemical and instinctual.

The phrase, “You don’t have to like the people you love,” just flickered through my mind. I don’t think that one is worth the virtual paper it’s written on, and seeing as how this is a free blog… well…  If the company of the person, or people, that you love is not enjoyable to you, I feel it may be more of an obsession. If not an obsession, than maybe an obligation or responsibility.

My fears have held me back, caused me to be more closed off than most women. It has taken a long time for me to recognize that, and admitting it out loud is even more difficult. To see what a drastic change my life has made, and how different my dreams are, in only five years, has blown my mind. It proves that: At least I am still growing.